Adopted

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by TheKnight, Mar 18, 2017.

  1. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    I have known that some kids become angry at their parents for not telling them sooner about their adoption. In my opinion, they have no right in getting angry. Maybe they could be a bit hurt because their parents didn't trust his/her judgment but being angry at them or upset about it is pretty dumb. If anything, they should be happy and thankful towards their parents because by birth or not, they're their parents and they chose to be that.

    What do you think?
     
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  2. Taliska

    Taliska Active Member

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    It is one of those things that if a child is raised knowing it isn't a big deal, but if it is hidden or put off then it can cause a lot of problems. If the child was told the truth when they asked and it just never came up before, I can see it being an issue when it did, but something to work through.

    I think if the parents have been actively lying to them, e.g. the child asked outright if they were adopted and the parent said no, then the child has every right to be angry when the truth is told: after all if their parents have lied about that, it shakes a child's faith in their parents and makes them wonder what else they lied about. The other reason to be angry is if it affects medical treatment, because while they may be the child's parents they still didn't provide their DNA.
     
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  3. Jasmin Cottontail

    Jasmin Cottontail Active Member

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    I have a friend who recently found out that she was adopted. It was just an accident when she discovered it as she was looking for some documents on her mom's cabinet and accidentally found her adoption papers. She was shocked and hurt. She confronted her parents about it and her parents were sorry for lying to her, their reason is that they didn't know how to tell her but will eventually tell her soon. She got mad and ran away. She asked for our advice and we told her that she has the right to get mad for her parents not telling the truth sooner. On the other hand, she should also be thankful that even though they are not her real parents, they provided her everything that she needs and took good care of her and they've treated her as one of their own. She then realized her mistake of running away and felt guilty of getting mad at her parents and the next morning she went home and feeling thankful as ever :)
     
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  4. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    In my opinion, it should be as simple as ''hey, sorry we didn't tell you sooner but I was sure you'd understand the concept better as someone older but you're adopted.'' The response should be somewhere along the lines of ''oh, okay then. Thank you, guys.'' That's pretty much it. There shouldn't be any rage or anything. If it weren't for their parents, they might have still been in the adoption center or worse. I'm glad she realized her mistake, though.
     
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  5. Decentlady

    Decentlady Active Member

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    This is a very sensitive issue. Realising that they are adopted doesn't just end at being grateful or angry. Of course, it is a mutual benefit however, remember that's the very point in life when bigger issues starts to arise.

    Such children/adults are confused and full of questions regarding their real parents and the reasons for which they ended up being in orphanage etc in the first place.

    It is not an easy thing to realise that the life that they wede leading so far was a pretence. They should be handled gently in my opinion.
     
  6. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    I don't think it's that sensitive. Yes, it's sad that their blood parents had to leave them but the fact of the matter is that their true parents are the ones that raised them. There is no reason why they SHOULD know who their blood parents are. That's pretty disrespectful to their adoptive parents. They raised them as parents, they gave them love as parents, and they are their parents. I mean, if they got lost and ended up in an adoption center then yes, they may want to find their parents but if the parents left them, why would they want to find them?
     
  7. Taliska

    Taliska Active Member

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    There are quite a few: medical history, finding out if they have other blood relatives, finding out the circumstances under which they were given up for adoption, and until they start investigating they wouldn't know whether the parents had left them or not. I know one person who was adopted only to find out her adoptive parents were part of a child abduction ring and the adoption occurred because the parents lied about paperwork to keep her from her blood family. I'd say she has every right to be furious with them.

    If you check any adoption boards, you'll find out this can be a very sensitive subject. If the parents have lied to conceal the adoption, then yes a child has every right to be angry. Their parents lied to them for their own convenience, not the good of the child or anything else.
     
  8. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    Well in that circumstance then yes, the daughter does have a right being furious AFTER knowing that. They may have a right to know but without any knowledge of what happened, they don't have the right to be furious. Their blood parents could have thrown them away. They never know so no kid should resent their adoptive parents before knowing anything. The whole point of this topic was that a parent will tell their kid and the kid being angry straight away. With good reason and knowledge, though, of course, the kid has reasons to be angry.

    If the parents lied for their own convenience such as not knowing or wanting to explain yet, I'm pretty sure housing, feeding, loving, caring for that left-out child has more than made up for it.
     
  9. pwarbi

    pwarbi Active Member

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    When it comes to things like this, I don't actually think that there IS a right or wrong way to go about it, and it will all depend on the circumstances surrounding that individual and the reason they was adopted in the first place. Some adoptive parents choose to wait till the child is older, some are open and upfront right from day one about it while others will do what they can to hide it from the child that they are adopted, but until we know the specific circumstances of the case, who are we to sit in judgement and say if they have done right or wrong?

    One friend of mine was adopted and was told when they turned 16 and for a while it did upset them as they think they should have been told sooner. They understood the reason behind not telling them, but found it hard and felt like her whole childhood had been a lie. On the other hand though, how many times do we hear an adopted child say they wished they had never found out at all, so like I say...there's no set rule to these things I don't think.
     
  10. James McAllister

    James McAllister Kinacle Employee Staff Member

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    First off I'd like to agree it is a very sensitive issue and things are not so black and white.

    There's probably nobody else in our life that has had as much influence on us as our parents (and by that I mean the ones who nurtured and raised us, and not necessarily the ones whos DNA we share.) Especially as children, they are involved in almost every aspect of your life and the bond you have between both of your parents is unlike any other bond you'll ever experience in your lifetime.

    When you discover that this entire foundation your life has been built upon is different than what you've believed to be true your entire life, it can come as quite a shock - the same way the death of a loved one can. Every child is going to handle it differently. A lot won't mind at all - they love their parents and biology doesn't make that any different. Some are curious and want to know more about those who gave birth to them, which I understand - they made you up after all and there's a lot about yourself you may not know. And some feel a range of very negative emotions because they don't know how to process the reality of their situation. Even Steve Jobs, who had said time and time again that he loved his adoptive parents 100% and considered them to be his real mother and father, wanted to go out and find his biological parents.

    That being said, adoptive parents will almost always love their adopted children just as much as they would a biological one, and children will almost always love their adoptive parents just as much as well.
     
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  11. Jasmin Cottontail

    Jasmin Cottontail Active Member

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    Right. I don't know but perhaps it's hard for her parents to tell the truth and probably they thought that she will never know, but she did. And I think it's no accident that she had found those papers after so many years. Maybe it's the right time for her to know the truth. The good thing about it is that she's happy with the truth and she's thankful for her parents for taking good care of her. However, she have plenty of questions about her biological parents and wondering who and where they are. And she doesn't know if she wants to meet them or not.
     
  12. Shine_Spirit

    Shine_Spirit Member

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    I think adoption is a true act of love. :)

    The problem is that whoever is going to receive that love doesn't have the right to choose who their parents will be (they are the ones chosen by their parents) and often they're deprived of even knowing the fact that they're adopted.

    So, with this scenario of "exclusion" (the factors that lead to this are as diverse as possible) from the blood family, I think that the revolt that usually happens is justifiable, and I think it is very complicated to judge because each head is a world, and each person has a very particular life experience.
     
  13. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    You're right about kids not choosing their parents and most of the times, children do have some sort of way of feeling who will be a good parent or not. As long as the parents are good to them, I think that should be enough. What will knowing they're adopted do, though? What good can possibly come from it? If they have a good life I don't see it being any good. Like your parents left you and now we're your parents? Some things are better left unsaid if that's the case. Or at least known until they're old enough to take it in.
     
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  14. workingbuck

    workingbuck Active Member

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    I do agree, they might be hurt about not knowing that sooner, but getting angry with their parents who adopted them isn't nice at all. I do think it is much better that the parents tell their adopted kids as soon as they understand stuff that they are adopted. I know some adopted kids who know that they are adopted at a young age and they are okay with it.
     
  15. tony

    tony Active Member

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    Any child that get annoyed that he wasn't made to know he was adopted earlier may be exhibiting some degree of ingratitude. The most important thing is the child is being taken good care of and have guardians. What if the guardians decide not to let the child know the circumstances surrounding how he came about being a member of the family.
     
  16. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    I agree it's one of the most complicated issues for adopting parents whether they should tell it or keep it to themselves. I know a couple who adopted a 42 days old girl and shifted to another city so the neighbors do not know that she was an adopted child. I think it will always be a complicated matter for couples that adopt because some children will understand this as normal procedure. But if a particular child takes it otherwise it could become a serious matter.
     
  17. Miches

    Miches Active Member

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    I think it would be best to tell the adopted child the truth before she learns it from other people and confronts them with the fact. Reactions will always vary but it's only fair for the child to learn the truth at whatever cost. It's quite important for the adoptive parents to be gentle and reassuring when they finally talk to him/her. For some parents who were able to successfully cover the tracks of the adoption process, they may be in the best position to delay the talk and wait until the child reaches maturity and emotional stability.

    I know of cases in my country where a newborn abandoned baby was passed off as a natural child of a childless couple with the help of a doctor. Hence, there were no traces of adoption. However, since the older relatives knew that the woman never really got pregnant, there is still a risk that at some point in the future, people who knew might spill the beans. In another case, the older children knew the truth. In both cases, they will have to tell the child the truth themselves.
     
  18. tony

    tony Active Member

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    In my view it's okay if the guardian make the child understand how he/she came about being a member of the family if this is an expectation by law or from a good mind. This may not necessarily mean the child will want to leave, no, he/she virtually have no other home. Later, it can become a testimony they'll always remember and share throughout life. One thing I am sure the child will always accept the guardians as parents even after knowing about their status.
     
  19. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    What you suggested sounds fine but in some cases where the child is adopted from family or friends and especially if they know their biological parents it would always be tough to stop them. I know a couple who has changed city and job as well to keep their child away from neighbors . Your relatives can understand and keep their mouth shut but it's hard to stop neighbors. If the child knows the reality at a tender age of 8-9 or 10 the chances are misunderstanding is bound to happen.
     
  20. janemarie

    janemarie Member

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    Children should be told from the beginning that the parents are not the biological parents so that they grow up knowing it. Don't we teach our children that it is wrong to tell lies? I was adopted myself, but it was later so I knew about it and didn't have that problem.

    It is a natural reaction to be angry when you find out that your mum is not your mum, nor your dad your real dad. It changes everything in your mind. You wonder about your identity and feel compelled to find out who you are. You feel lied to and betrayed so I can understand that anger is a normal reaction. Every age is a tender age to find out such a whopping lie. It is true that it is a hard thing to tell children 'I'm not your real mum or I'm not your real dad'. But there are ways to do it.

    Children love to hear the story of how they were born. So why not tell the child their story? The new parents could tell them about how they couldn't have children of their own and the story of how they looked into adoption and found this wonderful child to have as their own. If they add the romance and sweetness to it the child grows up knowing that whole story of their identity. Then they grow up appreciating their adoptive parents. They may wish to find their biological parents when they grow up but they would always think of the adoptive parents as the real parents because they are the ones who have cared and nurtured them.
     
  21. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    @janemarie I agree with almost each of your point of view but if you knew the reality of girl child in certain societies you would agree that if adopting parents did right by not telling the reality to their daughter. Would you believe that most ultrasound tests for pregnancy tests are carried out to determine the sex of the child? And when they come to know that the child in womb is a female most of them want to abort it. If a needy one adopts such a child and give her everything, I do not see any need to tell that child about reality of her biological parents.
     
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  22. janemarie

    janemarie Member

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    It is a real shame that it is this way in some societies. But still, why would adoptive parents not want to tell the child of their true identity? I don't think it is a case of giving them everything. My adoptive parents gave me all that I needed yet if I had been adopted when a baby, and they had kept it from me, then they would have been keeping something from me. That, I think is not giving the child everything as they are hiding the child's true identity. It's a lie and a big one that really does have an adverse effect on the child. It hurts them to find out at a later date that the person you thought was your mum isn't. The one who you thought sired you, isn't. To find out at a later date that you have an absolute zero biological connection to the people who professed that they do have a biological connection can tear the child's life apart. Unless they are told from the beginning. Then the child does accept it and thinks of the adoptive parents as their real parents. Some adopted children who grow up knowing, don't even feel the need to search for their biological parents. I think it is wrong to let a child grow up with a lie. If the adoptive parent truly loved that child surely they would want to tell them the truth, whatever country they are in.
     
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  23. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    ''The people that have been taking care of me well and have kept me alive and love me didn't tell me my parents lost me or didn't want me? I better be angry at those kind people that kept me happy and make a scene about it even if they might not know where I came from or don't have the answers to my formal life.'' I'm sorry but that makes no sense to me. They don't know if their parents have all that knowledge of what happened. Some kids just get mad right off the bat. They should first wait for an explanation and react accordingly. It shouldn't be a ''You're adopted'' ''I HATE YOU!.''
     
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  24. Jason76

    Jason76 Active Member

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    I think kids should know about an adoption as soon as possible. How old do they need to be to understand what an adoption is? I'm guessing around the age of 5 they would understand. However, it might be earlier. Anyway, I don't think they would be hurt too much by it - assuming they're told young.
     
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  25. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    I am not sure, if I should tell my daughter that I adopted you because your biological parents wanted to kill you in womb but they gave birth to you only after I assured them that I will adopt you. That sounds kind of serious trouble to me... I mean I cannot imagine what kind of reactions would I see on her face... would she want to stay with me or would want to go back to them and I am certainly not aware if she would kind of develop hatred for them or even want to do something bad to them.
     
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  26. tyche

    tyche Active Member

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    I think it's a case to case basis, but I think the sooner the truth gets out, the better so that the child will be aware where he stands from day one, and there will be no possible resentments arising from keeping it a secret. The fact that they adopted him is enough for him to be grateful for, so I can't understand why kids feel "betrayed" if their parents keep it from them that they were adopted. It just makes no sense to me.
     
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  27. janemarie

    janemarie Member

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    It is a really difficult one to do. To tell your adopted child that you are not their parents. It shouldn't come across that the biological parents hated them. It should come across as 'your biological parents loved you so much and as they couldn't take care of you, gave you to us to love and cherish'. Some kind of wording like that. It needs to be done in a very sensitive manner. If I had of adopted, I think perhaps, on Mothers day, I would have put a vase of flowers for the 'bio mommy' to remember how she loves you, even if she can't be with you!'

    It is very hard to know what is the right thing to do. But I do think that with discussion and friendly debate that a solution for the best way to deal with it could be found. At the moment there is nothing. three kids in my family were all adopted. Me later, but the other two when they were babies. They grew up knowing they were adopted from day 1 and it turned out that when they grew up, they had no interest to find their biological parents.

    There must be lots of ideas on how to tell the child in a way that it won't hurt their feelings. Letting the child know that they were loved by two moms and two dads is very important for their emotional well being.
     
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  28. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    I agree with you but the case I have discussed in my thread above is the story of a girl whose mom did not feed her for the entire duration of 40 days after giving birth to her and waiting for couple that had promised to adopt that girl. She did not breast feed that baby from day one just because she thought she would develop kind of affection with her and then it will be difficult to part with her. Do you think it would have been wise for the adopting couple to tell that girl that your biological mother did not want another girl so she gave you to us? I support the decision of adopting parents to keep the secret and not telling about her biological parents.
     
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  29. janemarie

    janemarie Member

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    What an interesting subject, and how hard it is to come to the perfect conclusion!

    I think in the case of the girl you mention @Mika is to not say that the biological Mother didn't want another girl, or didn't want to feed her. But to say something along the lines of 'your biological parents, as much as they love you, couldn't look after you properly. They couldn't give you what they wanted to give you and what you deserved, so reluctantly they decided to give you to another Mommy and Daddy who could give you what they couldn't.'

    Being adopted myself, I don't think the reason is so important. I think what is important is to know your true identity. There is no reason to hurt the child's feelings by telling them 'hey they didn't love you, you were a reject!'

    What about the child's medical history? I have had to know certain things about my parent's medical history but until recently it was impossible. Within a family there shouldn't be a need for lies. I am sure the child can feel the subconscious thoughts the adoptive parents have. In the back of the mind would be 'your not really mine, but you think you are!' It is living a lie.

    It may also be good for an adoptive parent to tell the child that, like a sister in law, or brother in law, or mother in law, that they are the legal mum and dad. By law. The birth mom and dad had to give you up and now by destiny you have been given to us. Explaining to them as well, what truly makes a mum and a dad. The daily care, the guidance, caring when not very well, being there for them when they are upset. Seeing them through school and events in their lives. I think the child would appreciate to hear that the biological mother loved them so very much and that was why they gave them to a new mum and dad who could do better for them.

    It is very hard to give up a child, even the hardest stone of hearts feels something. It is a natural reaction.

    So I think in answer to your question, words have to be very carefully selected, but let the child know how precious they are because they were chosen.
     
  30. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    Wouldn't that also be considered a lie too, though? Telling them that their parents loved them even though they didn't really. They're going to live a lie anyway and want to see those ''nice'' parents either way. This is why it's best not to tell them at all or way later on about the true situation. You never really lied to them in the first place. When you tell them you're his/her parents, it's true because the parents are the ones that legally take care of them and the papers are signed and everything.
     
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