Toddlers and explaining death

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by Taliska, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. Taliska

    Taliska Active Member

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    This sadly came up last year after a loss in the family. One of the hardest parts was handling a toddler who wasn't really old enough to grasp death, but just old enough to realise he wasn't going to see his aunt again. We didn't want to lie and say she'd gone away, because that would be storing up trouble for later, so we were as honest as possible in a way he would understand. It is surprisingly hard to get the idea across. How would you suggest handling this situation, or breaking other 'adult' news to a child?
     
  2. workingbuck

    workingbuck Active Member

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    News about death in the family would really be quite hard to explain to toddlers, and I get how you would not want to lie about what happened. My dad died when I was just a kid and my aunt and mom just told me straight that he is gone and he would never be with us again. My mom said I got sad and never left the side of my dad's coffin. But they said I got over it quickly maybe because I was still a small kid back then. So maybe telling kids straight and not lying would be good.
     
  3. Decentlady

    Decentlady Active Member

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    Being honest is better than lieing and stalling up things. As later on they are bound to bombard you with questions that might get you deeper in the lie hole.

    However, saying in terms that they can understand is better than being too blunt.
     
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  4. James McAllister

    James McAllister Kinacle Employee Staff Member

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    First and foremost I'm sorry to hear about the loss in your family, my deepest condolences to you and your loved ones.

    My advice is as follows (but certainly there is a lot to add here)

    • Understand that no two toddlers are the same or will deal with it the same. There are a million factors that go into how they'll react now and in the future.
    • Be straightforward and honest.
    • Don't dismiss any of their questions, even if they repeat them. They are trying to understand the best they can.
    • They probably won't understand everything and that's fine.
    • Many families bring up religion at this time. Be careful with how you explain things, especially when talking about the cause of their death. For example, telling a young child that "God wanted their loved one to go home" may cause them to worry about their own death or the death of another family member.
    • And most of all.. be comforting and emotionally supportive. Be observant. Some toddlers may supress everything but start experiencing terrible anxiety when it's time to go to sleep, for example.
     
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  5. Taliska

    Taliska Active Member

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    Thanks for the input. We went with as comforting and supportive as we could be, but kept it honest. Being a toddler he was actually more upset when our cat died than his aunt (to be honest, I think so was I), because he had been playing with the cat every day and aunt was not a person he saw often as she lived abroad.

    Despite people saying he was too young to attend and it would upset him, he took it very calmly. Being there for the funeral really seemed to help him, probably because it was a chance to say goodbye.
     
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  6. TheKnight

    TheKnight Active Member

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    You should try to explain that they simply won't see them again around on earth. Tell them that the person is not around anymore but you can tell them that the person is okay and not hurt. If you're religious, you can explain that they left this world and won't be able to see her again until the time is right. Explain to them that it's completely normal and it always happens and that one day, it will happen to everyone and everyone will be together again. But also make it clear that it's nobody's choice to leave and that it happens when it has to happen.
     
  7. Holmes22

    Holmes22 Active Member

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    Well this is one that everyone would just rather avoid, but of course it is something that you have to do at some point. I cannot really remember my experience with it, and I guess that is probably a good thing because it means nothing awful happened.
     
  8. Twinkle

    Twinkle New Member

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    I agree with everyone saying that is best not to lie about it. I think we have to keep it simple but with a caring approach.
    I'd probably try to focus on making them treasure the good times we all shared together.

    I am glad things worked out and the kid benefit with your approach, @Taliska.
    Unless the kid didn't want to go I think they appreciate being included for this kind of things. It is part of life.
     
  9. Jasmin Cottontail

    Jasmin Cottontail Active Member

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    I remember my parents and relatives telling me when my grandpa passed away when I was 2 or 3 years old and I was the saddest and the most depressed one back then as I was very close to my grandpa. I don't actually remember how I coped up or how did they tell me but I was sure they did not lie to me and explained to me as to why such things happen in the most comforting way.

    I believe toddlers are very similar but very different from one to another so it actually varies how will we say or explain such thing to them. So I guess just be honest with them and explain things to them bit by bit, in a way they can easily understand and give them all the comfort that they need so they won't feel sad or depressed, if possible.
     
  10. Alexandoy

    Alexandoy Well-Known Member

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    Pardon me but I don’t think it is a good idea to broach the issue of death to a child. But I know that we cannot help it when a situation occurs. My point is to evade the issue for the moment and if it cannot be avoided, the explanation needs to be mild and it is better to use metaphors like the dead would be an angel in heaven. It’s really difficult to explain death to a child.
     
  11. Miches

    Miches Active Member

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    Each toddler will react differently to the death of a family member. My oldest nephew, for instance, was shocked at the death of his great grandfather because he has grown quite close to him. My grandfather spoiled him and was very fond of him. He can't understand why he would lie still on the coffin instead of playing with him. Initially, he didn't talk much but when he realized that his great grandfather won't be talking again, he cried so hard. We found it difficult to explain the concept of death and we simply told him what we would also tell ourselves, that his great grandfather has gone ahead to heaven and that when we get as old as him after so many years, we'll see him again in heaven. At least it comforted him.
     
  12. iamawriter

    iamawriter Active Member

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    I will never beat about the bush but tell the truth may be in a way the toddler understands. I would say what God gave is had now been taken away and that is how it is. We all have to die one day. Perhaps there will be questions asked depending on the toddler and i would be ready to answer them in the manner that the toddler understands.
     
  13. tallulah

    tallulah Active Member

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    This is one of the most difficult things to explain to a toddler. Their young minds will only be able to grasp the fact that they will not be able to see or play with this adult anymore. It might take a while to adapt to this news and they might even ask over and over again for a few days asking when this person will be back. I guess there are many different ways to break news like this to a child but gentleness will always work.
     
  14. kamai

    kamai Active Member

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    This is a sad and tough topic to explain to a toddler but one must be as honest as possible with them. We can explain to them honestly but not harshly in a way that they will understand that this happens to everyone and that it is how life is. My toddler already knows about death because she saw it in a movie and had to ask about it and well I had no choice but to explain.
     
  15. KloeRinz

    KloeRinz Member

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    Oh, death can be quite unobvious for toddlers, I guess. I remember falling for it when my dad pretended that he was dead. Well, I only knew what death is from watching Star Wars. Oh well, guess that's quite stupid. Anyway, I think it is best to demonstrate the meaning of death as early as possible so they will not misunderstand later on.
     

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